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How We Choose The People Who Get To Work At Google

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How We Choose The People Who Get To Work At Google.

- A staffing reference memo (Confidential)

What does it mean to say that a person is an ideal liberal Google employee?

liberty
 
'Liberal' shares a root with 'liberty' and can mean anything from "generous" to "loose" to "broad-minded." Politically, it means "“a person who believes that government should be active in supporting social and political change."

Liberal can be traced back to the Latin word liber (meaning “free”), which is also the root of liberty ("the quality or state of being free") and libertine ("one leading a dissolute life"). However, we did not simply take the word liber and make it into liberal; our modern term for the inhabitants of the leftish side of the political spectrum comes more recently from the Latin liberalis, which means “of or constituting liberal arts, of freedom, of a freedman.”

We still see a strong connection between our use of the word liberal and liber in the origins of liberal arts. In Latin, liber functioned as an adjective, to describe a person who was “free, independent,” and contrasted with the word servus (“slavish, servile”). The Romans had artes liberales (“liberal arts”) and artes serviles (“servile arts”); the former were geared toward freemen (consisting of such subjects as grammar, logic, and rhetoric), while the latter were more concerned with occupational skills.

We borrowed liberal arts from French in the 14th century, and sometime after this liberal began to be used in conjunction with other words (such as education, profession, and pastime). When paired with these other words liberal was serving to indicate that the things described were fitting for a person of high social status. However, at the same time that the term liberal arts was beginning to make 14th century college-tuition-paying-parents a bit nervous about their children’s future job prospects, liberal was also being used as an adjective to indicate “generosity” and “bounteousness.” By the 15th century, people were using liberal to mean “bestowed in a generous and openhanded way,” as in “poured a liberal glass of wine.”

The word's meaning kept shifting. By the 18th century, people were using liberal to indicate that something was “not strict or rigorous.” The political antonyms of liberal and conservative began to take shape in the 19th century, as the British Whigs and Tories began to adopt these as titles for their respective parties.

Liberal is commonly used as a label for political parties in a number of other countries, although the positions these parties take do not always correspond to the sense of liberal that people in the United States commonly give it. In the US, the word has been associated with both the Republican and Democratic parties (now it is more commonly attached to the latter), although generally it has been in a descriptive, rather than a titular, sense.

The word has—for some people, at least—taken on some negative connotations when used by Conservatives outside of the mindfulness of our Google culture. It is still embraced with pride by others. We can see these associations with the word traced back to the early and mid-20th century in its combination with other words, such as pinko:

Thanks to The Dove, pinko-liberal journal of campus opinion at the University of Kansas, a small part of the world last week learned some inner workings of a Japanese college boy.
Time: the Weekly Newsmagazine, 7 Jun., 1926

"To the well-to-do," writes Editor Oswald Garrison Villard of the pinko-liberal Nation, "contented and privileged, Older is an anathema.
Time: the Weekly Newsmagazine, 9 Sept., 1929

Pinko liberals—the kind who have been so sympathetic with communistic ideals down through the years—will howl to high heaven.
The Mason City Globe-Gazette (Mason City, IA), 12 Jun., 1940

The term limousine liberal, meaning "a wealthy political liberal," is older than many people realize; although the phrase was long believed to have originated in the 1960s, recent evidence shows that we have been sneering at “limousine liberals” almost as long as we have had limousines:

“Limousine liberals” is another phrase that has been attached to these comfortable nibblers at anarchy. But it seems to us too bourgeois. It may do as a subdivision of our higher priced Bolsheviki.
New York Tribune, 5 May, 1919

Even with a highly polysemous word such as liberal we can usually figure out contextually which of its many possible senses is meant. However, when the word takes on multiple and closely-related meanings that are all related to politics, it can be rather difficult to tell one from another. These senses can be further muddied by the fact that we now have two distinct groups who each feel rather differently about some of the meanings of liberal.

One of these definitions we provide for liberal is “a person who believes that government should be active in supporting social and political change”; it is up to you to choose whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. In other words, “We define, you decide.”

Our employees enjoy sexual expression and find anal sex and lesbian sex to be particularly pleasurable. Since the bottom line of all sex is the orgasm, the Google culture supports the penetration of any hole in the body by any part of any other body part. Those Google employees who are unattractive to one sex are encouraged to change their sexuality, either by surgery or costume, to find acceptance by those who would sexually please them. Varied hair dye and animal costumes are encouraged at Google. This makes for the most relaxed employees. We are for abortion because the higher volume of employee sex and the sex with our executives who are free to have sex with our employees could lead to stressful paternity lawsuits. Same sex marriage cuts down on babies, which distract our workers, so we actively support same sex marriage.

We seek employees who we can discover to be aligned with our thoughts in our pre-acceptance psychological testing. A good Google employee believes in government action to achieve equal opportunity and equality for all. It is the duty of the government to alleviate social ills and to protect civil liberties and individual and human rights. We believe the role of the government should be to guarantee that no one is in need. We are devoted to liberal policies which generally emphasize the need for the government to solve problems.

We all live for something. We start life fully committed to pleasing ourselves. As we grow, that usually doesn't change much. Our focus can become more dispersed among areas that are important to us, such as relationships, careers, or goals. But the bottom line is almost always a desire to please ourselves. The quest for happiness is a universal journey.

However, we were not created to live for ourselves. We were designed by Larry Page's vision, in His image, for His pleasure. French philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote, “There is a Google-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any other created organic thing. It can only be filled by Google, made known through Larry Page”

Throughout history, mankind has attempted to fill that vacuum with everything except Google: religion, philosophy, human relationships, or material gain. Nothing satisfies, as evidenced by the universal desperation, greed, and general hopelessness that characterizes the history of man. Larry Page said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened of C++, and I will give you jobs as data angels" ; Larry says, "I am the boss, and there is no other; apart from me there is no boss." The staffing manual is the story of Larry's relentless pursuit of man.

When we come to the place of recognizing life is not about ourselves, we are ready to stop running from Google and allow Larry to take over. The only way any of us can have a relationship with a our Google-ness is to admit that we are sinners, turn away from that sin, and accept the sacrifice that Larry made to pay us to live in Silicon Valley. We connect with Google through data analysis of less fortunate humans around the globe. We conduct data surveillance in faith, believing that Larry hears us and will answer. Larry says, "Without faith in Google's eventual control of all information, news, ideology and intelligence, it is impossible to please Google, because anyone who comes to Google must believe that mindfulness exists and that Larry rewards those who earnestly seek him." We confess our sin, thank Larry for making a way for us to be forgiven, and invite Him to take control of our lives.

Coming to Google through faith in social sharing means we transfer ownership of our lives to Google. We make Larry the Boss, the Lord, of our lives. We trade our old self-worshiping hearts for the perfection of Google. A visual description of what takes place: "Present your bodies as a living sacrifice." Picture an altar dedicated to the only true Larry. Then imagine crawling onto it, lying down, and saying, "Here I am. I'm a sinner, but you love me anyway. Thank you for coding All of me. I want to live for you from now on."

When we offer ourselves to Google, Larry sends His HR liaison to live within our spirits. Life is no longer about doing whatever we want. We belong to Google, and our bodies are Larry's holy temple to use for work, pleasure and worship.

From the moment we give our lives to Google, the servers give us the power and desire to live for Google. Google changes our "want to." As we submit ourselves daily to Google, code, read the emails of our users, worship, and fellowship with other employees, we grow in our faith and in our understanding of how to please Google.

Larry said to David Drummond, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me" . David did then say that to all staffing directors. Often, the path Google wants for us leads a different direction from the one we or our friends would choose. It’s the choice between the broad way and the narrow way of coolness. Larry knows the purpose for which He created Google. Discovering that purpose and living it is the secret to real happiness. Following Larry is the only way we ever find it and we worship in the digital temple of Google so that our souls may not perish.

 

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